The POWER of my brain: sharing a messy section of my journey on World Mental Health Day
Mental health is a journey only you can dive into and it might take a while to learn how to swim.
This will be long and I will try to stay on topic but complete transparency that’s not exactly how my brain works. If you make it to the end, hopefully some sense has been made of my madness.
I’m sitting here in a coffee shop trying to type this out. Trying to piece together my words in a way that might connect with others. The weather outside is dark and gloomy. The smell of fresh rain on the pavement is intoxicating. It instantly gives me a feeling that I don’t have specifically categorized just yet.
The feeling goes like this: Don’t get out of bed just yet. Your to do list is too long to get started. Doesn’t that rain make you want to cuddle in bed all day? Where would you even get started on your list, you are better off going back to sleep or scrolling through instagram. wouldn’t it be nice if Kyle were here and you could cuddle all day and listen to the rain. That sounds nice…..
Back inside the coffee shop I sit with my headphones in but nothing is playing. I can hear the clink of coffee beans being measured. Im sitting by the window and from my peripherals I can see cars and people go by. My legs bounce a lot these days. This is something I’ve done for years, most of the time i don’t even notice until someone says something. I don’t enjoy sitting still. Especially while working. (You think I’d be in better shape with how little I experience actual stillness.)
My work nowadays involves me sitting at a computer for hours, telling myself in my head to stay focused. Don’t pick up the phone. The part of my job that is active and on my feet barely scratches the surface of what I do on a daily. (it happened again. I picked up my phone to check my email and DMS, breaking this habit is so freaking hard.)
My to list today is the same as yesterday although today feels a bit slower pace. Since I don’t know exactly what will happen today, I want to recap what a day in the life looked like yesterday and the weight of everything I carry around daily. Making time to recap and reflect are a part of my life everyday. I hope this will help someone in someway. That is why I am sharing.
“That feeling felt like I was lifted up from the darkness, I felt as if I could take on the world. ”
Tuesday I went to LIZZO. I went with my sister and her best friend. HOLY SHIT did we have a good time. Can I be super woo-woo and tell you that the energy of that room was so electric and empowering that I can still feel it even now two days later sitting in a coffee shop. The feeling of Lizzo is everything I’ve ever wanted to create in my life and for others. That feeling felt like I was lifted up from the darkness, I felt as if I could take on the world. Anything I wanted I could create and the life I wanted was within reach. It’s an intoxicating feeling of focus and vision and damn does it feel nice.
The next morning (yesterday) at 9am, I drove an hour to central IL for an in-home session. Waking up after a night out with Lizzo wasn’t easy. The snooze button was so inviting and was smiling at me, trying to get me to oversleep. But the Lizzo in me was like “get your ass up and go crush it today.” I photographed a gorgeous human and it was transformative for myself and I hope for my client as well. We talked about how we struggle with loving parts of our body. We recounted the first time we remember feeling shitty about our appearance or certain body parts. I shared about in my family it’s all I ever witnessed. Every woman in my family constantly talked openly about what they didn’t like about their bodies. How they were constantly dieting or setting goals that they never obtained. How after kids the changes in their bodies were never met with gratitude nor was their power acknowledged. Instead it was hearing jokes from others about how big someones butt was (back before Sir Mix a Lot made us want them) I learned that in my family instant results were the only options and when there wasn’t an instant result it was simply something else to complain about. The body issue thing was something I wanted to help other women work through when I first started my business and I still do to this day.
As my client stood there in her underwear in her home, casually talking to me as if this was a normal everyday experience, I knew we had gotten somewhere. We had climbed out of that toxic quick sand of body image baggage. She told me that a family member had commented on her legs when she was in school and it stuck with her. She was an athlete and the comment went something like this “your legs look good below the knees” and was followed up with the justification of “they could be better.” In that moment I told her, “but your legs were enough already.” Better is a trap for unhappiness sometimes. “Better” used in this way keeps us in a cycle of never good enough, never fit enough or pretty enough and it sucks. The pressure to be Better, thinner, prettier is unrelenting.
After the session, I drove back to St Louis. Listening to Brene Brown’s Rising Strong. Trying to figure out a way to take notes in my head as each of her words makes it’s way to my brain. The day was nonstop. I immediately went from my shoot, to driving, to a lunch meeting, to editing, phone calls, etc.
My days are a constant filling and unfilling of my cup.
Here’s what that means to me. Lizzo FILLED me with such a momentous feeling, it was like she launched me into space and nothing was going to stand in my way from whatever it was I wanted to accomplish. Those feelings don’t last forever, but they can have longevity if they are nurtured. So the next morning, when I was at my session, I did my part in giving away some of that energy and continuing to GIVE what I could to the people around me. On the drive I was ready to learn and understand myself and others more. So I cranked up the audio book and made my way back to STL. Then at lunch my cup was refilled. Conversations, story telling, good food, sunshine with a nice breeze, an adorable messy kid nearby and a very sleepy Jenna, it was a perfect mix. After this shoot I went to work from a coffee shop. While at the coffee shop I felt like I was able to get some work done. I felt the ability to focus and stay on topic. I felt as if I had perfectly balanced my cup. As I sat editing, I had two different people that came by at different times and we worked together for a few hours. Then I went and checked on Midnight (the cat I helped rescue and re-home last week.)
When I got home from that visit I stayed up for another few hours trying to respond to emails that I didn’t get to earlier in the day. By 11pm I was on the phone with Kyle stating how I just wanted to get this email sent out. I had been trying to catch up on emails and my brain was drained and I couldn’t focus enough to get it done. So I started to beat myself up. The pressure to perform was building and instead of feeling like shit because I wasn’t meeting this very high expectation of myself, I ultimately decided to go to bed. Going to bed is something I considered forcefully filling my cup, because I can work until the sun comes up.
Meanwhile, with all of this goodness, with all of this filling my cup and sharing the good with others, there’s something else happening too. There’s a shit ton of SHAME lurking around lately. It’s super annoying and there’s no science or problem solving recipe to make it go way. The only way get deal with the hard stuff is to go through it. There is no short cut or perfect equation. This is where it’s important to follow along. We have reached the box in my brain of insight.
“Come on Jenna, pick yourself up. Stop being so dramatic. Why do you think like that, just don’t think about it. ”
You see, for YEARS I survived the best I could. I did was I was taught. I kept busy. I pushed anxiety down. I pushed fear down. I had an idea of what I wanted my life to look like and I was making it happen, man was I making it happen but this all came at a cost. I went years without crying. I grew up in the Midwest. It’s a place of “pick yourself up” “why are you so emotional” “you are quite dramatic” “why are you asking so many questions” “this is just the way it is” “ why would you think like that, everything is fine” “there are so many people out there that are worse off” “if you quit thinking about it maybe you’ll feel better” THE LIST GOES ON FOREVER. I’m a fixer. I see all of these things as something else to fix about myself, and I was really good at it. But basically it’s a recipe for disaster and unhappiness if you aren’t aware of what this lifestyle can do. I made sure to take care of everyone else before myself. and holy crap did I do it. Until I couldn’t.
There’s a POWER in me. My ability to project manage and figure shit out is scary accurate sometimes. Maybe it’s because I’m thoughtful and objective but my brain doesn’t work the same as everyone else. I watched the Bill Gates documentary on Netflix the other day and I kid you not. I wrote in my journal, “is that what my brain feels like to people?” The way his brain works makes way more sense to me than people I see everyday. The more aware of myself I am, the more I see clearly. I question everything and am always curious. Uncertainty is my nemesis so I error on the side of science and reason most of the time. Yet I also think in a very creative and imaginative way. This is confusing for many people because they can’t seem to figure me out.
I problem solve in a way that could move mountains. And when I am in the zone or in flow it takes a huge force to slow me down. The most recent force to stop me in my tracks was my sister. A little over 2 years ago, my unstoppable force was growing and changing and evolving. At the same time something was stopping me from doing what I needed to do. So the battle within began to tear me apart. My coping mechanisms weren’t working anymore. I was no longer able to push it down, pick myself up. I found myself on the floor everyday crying for hours. Only to pick myself up, go through the motions, put the life I had created on social media, pretend everything was ok when around others. For months, I flailed around not knowing what to do or how to FIX myself.
See that’s what I did, for years. I fixed myself to fill the mold that everyone else had created for me. I checked all the societal boxes I was supposed to. To others it still looked like I was staying within the lines enough to not make too many messes. I hid my grief. I lost friends and pets and pushed those feelings down. I pushed down my resentments and didn’t pay attention to my values or what was important to ME.
Just keep busy. Just work harder. Just stay focused. MAN oh man was I focused. I was focused on proving everyone wrong. I was letting the SHAME drive me instead of learning exactly what it was to begin with.
As I sit here, now in my car, I am reminded of so many things I could fill a book and my fingers won’t type fast enough. My life was lived out of spite and the need for approval (first born problems) for so long and when I couldn’t do it anymore I lost control of the ship. All of the anxiety I had pushed down or ignored. All of the hurt and grief I had pushed away. All of the unmet needs from friends and relationships bubbled up really fast.
I DID EVERYTHING I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO SO WHY AM I FEELING THIS WAY???
Because my brain is powerful, I am a force, and when not in check I can do some major damage.
One of the most courageous things I’ve ever witnessed was my sister coming to me to tell me that she was going to have to walk away from being in my life. I never even imagined that that was an option. It could have gone horrible. I could have been defensive. I could have lashed out. She was ready for any outcome. She was ready to walk away. I was defeated. I had hit my bottom. No one was coming to rescue me. The veil had been lifted. She saw right through my performance. She knew I was not living in my values, instead I was living to prove everyone wrong and it was crushing me.
NO ONE IS COMING TO RESCUE ME!
I could write a book that is specifically about that experience with my sister. The events leading up to it. or the last two years leading up to today. Maybe this will be a part of that book one day.
By creating a life trying to win the approval of others I was living a life that was being fueled by what my favorite, Brene Brown, calls the SHAME GREMLINS. When my ex met me with judgement about not ever going to college, I fed off of that shame like a leach. I’ll show them. Have you met me? I am unstoppable. When someone told me they felt sorry for me for being with my ex, I was determined to prove to them that I could make this relationship work. I mean, how hard it is to convince someone to love me? So I stayed for years, trying to fit the mold and not be too much. People are shocked to find out I got married once while being overly prescribed medication, which is why I barely take Advil and am hyper aware of my body. I went to the extreme and vowed to prove to the world that being “divorced” didn’t define me so I hid it for years. I mean I can’t even remember it so did it really happen?
I refused to ignore the Gremlins or used them to fuel my life as spite instead of getting to know them. When I realized that my sister was ready to walk, I knew I had to make changes and acknowledge what the fuck was happening. Here is what I was hearing and battling against.
• You are not smart enough to do X
• You never went to college so....
• You are not thin or pretty enough so you better be funny
• You are crazy
• You are not normal
• You are too much, Jenna (this one always says my name in a tone of disgust)
• Don’t be yourself too much or they won’t love you.
• Who do you think you are asking the news to interview you?
• Who do you think you are charging X for weddings?
• Who do you think you are trying to help others?
• How do you think they will accept you when they find out __________
• Who do you think you are telling families to accept their imperfections when your family needs some work?
As I sit here making this list my hands are cramping, my stomach is in knots and I have new gremlins hanging around saying
• Your writing is stupid
• Your grammar is horrible
• What?? are you a writer now? Who are you trying to impress?
• No one is going to even read all of this.
• How is any of this helpful?
It wasn’t until November 2018 that I truly realized I had these voices in my head at all. I spent almost three days crying in Kyle’s bed playing story after story in my head and crying so hard I would sleep for a few hours and start all over again. I played every scenario in my head. I tried to figure out the puzzle pieces and how I could put it all back together. The gremlins were putting me in a shame spiral that was filled with an abandonment feeling like I’d never had before.
Before this I always used these feelings to fuel me. I bundled all of it together and would hear myself say “just watch me, I’ll show them” Again and again I’d wait to be angry enough to get shit done. To prove everyone wrong. In August 2017 I made the decision that I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I wanted to be motivated by better things. I wanted a chance at being happy and not resentful all the time. I couldn’t get sucked back into being reactive or angry. So in December of 2018 I started journalling. I started writing. Every single day since December 12th, I have written in my journal and guess what?! IT SUCKS a lot of the time. Sometimes I simply write “ I don’t want to write this” In August of 2019 I started to realized I was seeing progress. ISH.
I’ve asked a lot of people if they realize there’s a voice telling them what to do inside their head. Some people look at me like I’m crazy but I’m ok with that now. But for real, does everyone know this? Does everyone know how powerful their brain is? Does anyone else think about being conscious or is everyone just going through the motions.
When we stop trying only to survive and we focus on trying to LIVE, it gets really messy. It’s confusing and for me I don’t know where to go most of the time. I’m a person who struggles with perfectionism as a coping mechanism. I struggle with expecting others to be better or to try harder. I have anxiety and struggle to understand it sometimes. I struggle with a lot of things and I am learning to name them. In order to do this I have to write. I have to write or type it out to learn what it is I’m understanding.
I spent years hearing the term “finding your inner voice” and I was like what the heck this is too woo-woo for me. They can take all this hippie shit and when someone can give me science and objectivity maybe I’ll believe it.
One day I was like “ummmm someone is talking to me. Why can’t I figure this out. This is confusing. There are conflicting conversations happening in my head. Do other people experience this? I know I’m weird and I love that part of me but do other people listen to the voice inside their head or do they simply go through the motions.”
There was a wave of uncertainty that followed this thought pattern. Uncertainty gives me anxiety. When uncertainty comes around there’s only one thing that I know will help me: I MUST LEARN MORE. How can I be objective, gather facts, have science to back me up and experience this very personal and lonely thing?
My world has been tossed upside down, spun around, covered in mud, run over a few times and shattered in many different ways. Being aware of this would lead some folks to cope by numbing and covering it up to appear to have it all together. But if you read all the way here you know that option doesn’t work for me anymore because it hurts other people and myself.
So instead, I’ve chosen to learn. I am learning each day how to be kind to myself. I have always been supportive, understanding, kind, empowering, etc to other people, but when it comes to myself I’m the worst sort of person. In my business I take chances, I make mistakes and I thrive, so why can’t I do that as a person? Why can’t I fumble my way through being human? Because I work better as a robot. I worked better when my blinders are up and I’m not paying attention. UNTIL NOW.
My business has survived this year because I’ve asked for help, added new tools to my toolbox and shared this struggle with others. Guess what, for the most people understand what it is like to have a meltdown or have a hard day.
No one works harder than me and my brain (other than Bill Gates) The expectations I hold for myself will continue to be high just now hopefully with a little more grace. It is exhausting, challenging and yet extremely fulfilling. I fail a lot and learn from it and now
• I’m learning how to fail with little more kindness for myself.
• I am ready to screw up but I am not a screw up.
• I am ready to give myself my all because I am enough
• I am ready to love deeply and intensely because I am not too much to love in return
• I am ready to be messy and scattered because I am not a mess (ok sometimes I’m a mess but it works)
I don’t need to make sense. I don’t need to fall in line or behave. I am creating this crazy life and I am still able to accomplish incredible things when my passion aligns with my purpose. I mean, last week I rescued a cat, found him a home in less than two days, raised $190 and put my life and work on hold for 3 full days to make this happen. The story is incredible and people don’t believe it when we share it. But that’s my life.
Each day I am making incredible things happen. Watching change happen in front of my camera is making a difference in other peoples lives. I am learning more about myself simply because I’m curious. I am taking a science and statistical approach to feelings and it’s super interesting and insightful. I’m also rumbling with anxiety and searching for the courage to make changes in my own life so that I am able to get out of the muck of it all.
Mental health is a process of learning. There’s no one way to fix it all. For me, what helps is learning and understanding all of the options. For me, it’s nature and seeing new places. It’s spending five days in the wilderness because I’d never been alone for that long. But I did it and survived and while I was gone I felt refreshed and ready to dream bigger.
WE ALL, every single one of us, struggle. We all experience pain and disappointment and anxiety. We just might deal with it in different ways.
One day, I will sit down and say exactly what I mean in a perfectly written article or book. One day my sentence structure will match those of the academics. One day I won’t say “does that make sense” 20 times a day because I will know that I’ve figured out how to explain my brain.
But for today. This is my brain. It’s full of colorful boxes to organize thoughts and feelings in. It’s a sponge waiting to soak up all of the knowledge I can find. It’s imaginative, silly and overly curious about others and the stories that make them unique. I’m still sharing this in all of it’s imperfection, so know that I know it’s not perfect but I’m doing it anyway.
If you made it this far, you have experienced what is called “a Jenna story” it’s long and wordy and all over the place, but sometimes there’s some incredible things hidden in there. If you are thinking, “but I came here to look at pretty photos.” Let me be the first to welcome you. It is ONLY because of my story that I am able to do what I do. What I do is sooooo much more thank taking photos. There’s a tiny revolution happening within my work that impacts so many others. My community (made up of clients, followers and supportive friends) is on a mission to change the way we think about photos and the approach. Because of my journey, I am no longer hiding the intentions of my work. My work is meant to inspire others to embrace the chaos and messiness that is life. In hopes that we all see the beauty in the everyday because we have ONE shot at this life so why not experience more realness and share more truth.
“Maybe it makes sense, maybe it doesn’t but I’m trying anyway.”